I have been a pediatrician for twenty-five years. I know how to care for children and partner with their parents to raise them healthily. I grew up in Trinidad and Tobago in the eastern Caribbean. My father was an agricultural science teacher, and my mother was a homemaker. I have two siblings: a close-in-age older brother and a much younger little brother. For most of my childhood, we lived in a one-bedroom duplex with an outdoor toilet and shower. There was no air-conditioning, washing machine, or dryer, and we walked to and from school and came home for lunch. I never felt "poor" or "lower class".
My parent's style of child-rearing was more on the authoritative side, being supportive and nurturing whilst setting clear boundaries and expectations. As the mother of a child born in the United States in the 21st century, my eighteen-year journey with my son has been challenging but transformative. His neighborhood has been a lot different than the one I grew up in, and his personal struggles resulted in our application of a more hybrid parenting style, as I reflect...now. I am a better and wiser Pediatrician with all that I have experienced and continue to experience with him. Here are some things that I have learned so far:
1. Many parents, at the beginning of their child's life, have high hopes, perfect dreams, and great fear of anything going wrong. It is a time of vulnerability, and no manual covers the unique issues of every child. Faith in God, trust in health care providers, and the welcomed support of family and friends are all necessary for a new family to survive and thrive. I believe that God did not mean for us to do life alone, and being intentional about supporting each other is necessary for the best outcomes. While it is up to families to seek help when they need it, we can proactively assist. A first-time Mom with a newborn baby might say "nope" when asked if she needs anything. But offering a home-cooked meal, help getting groceries, or a listening ear would most likely be much appreciated. So, we should not take "nope" for an answer.
2. Children are intelligent in different ways and, over time, may
reveal personality traits, strengths, and weaknesses that differ from those of their parents. We often have a vision for our child's future, but we must remain open-minded about their course even as we instruct, discipline, and guide them through their lives. Failure to do so can result in high levels of anxiety, stress, and unnecessary tension in the family. Children, like adults, want to be seen and, as they grow up, will find the people that make them feel seen, safe, and secure. Charity ought to begin at home; the first place they should get attention and be comfortable expressing and respectfully being themselves.
3. As parents, we should model the characteristics that we want to see in our children. My mom taught me to be kind, grateful, determined, and optimistic. My Dad showed me how to be generous, organized, self-preserving, and aspirational. As I recall, neither of them sat down and used those descriptive words in any conversation with me. Even today, my Mom says thank you for the smallest gestures of my affection for her, and I have become my Mom in that regard when dealing with people in general. My most poignant memory of my dad's generosity is him giving away the best and hand-picked (by him) mangoes from our mango tree and leaving us with the pile of mangoes that fell to the ground as he was climbing. The fallen mangoes were still great, but the lesson I learned from his actions was always to give our best to others.
4. Often, children watch their parents' actions and take notes. They enjoy holding us to similar high standards that we require of them. All parents make mistakes because all are human and flawed. When we fail to do the right thing or make an obvious mistake, an admission of guilt may be warranted. This teaches children that perfection is not what we ask of them and that it is okay to own up when they do something wrong versus lying out of shame. I have noticed that authenticity wins the attention and respect of this generation of teenagers.
5. Showing children love and affection is necessary for optimal growth and development. Being present is the most potent demonstration of the same. Quality time is very much possible even when time and resources are limited. It can be challenging but pays dividends in the future. Spending more time when a child is having behavior problems is always a good idea. There is a powerful technique in Pediatrics called "Special Time." Having used it, I can attest to its value in initiating, maintaining, and strengthening positive behavior in children. It promotes healthy interaction and builds the child's security. It can be used with children of all ages, with some modifications for teenagers. The "Special Time" guidelines can be the subject of another article.
Charlene Blache, M.D., F.A.A.P., board-certified
Pediatrician, Owner, Founder and CEO of Southern Pediatric Clinic, Valdosta, GA. She is married to Dr. Larry Smith, an Internal Medicine physician, and they have an
18-year-old son, Lawrence. She is a member of the Woodlawn Forrest Church of Christ charlene.blache@gmail.com
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